I'm feeling like to make a happy painting today. Not something beautiful or perfect in a way but simply happy. I might go to a flower market tomorrow and get some flowers to paint. Flowers unlike people are simple. They colourful and happy. I have a strange gift to see people's sadness. The very sadness they try to hide. It's not always sadness. I'll give you the example: A bar. Always overcrowded with drunk, loud crowd. Always the same people. The hunters and the prey. Like in nature. Some try to hide their weaknesses some show their strong points. It's a parody of comedians trying to full each other. A big circus. Not always but very often the case.
So you see a happy people enjoying time? Look closer, look into their eyes, the way they talk, the way they move or look - it's so much more to it than the first glance can tell you. Perhaps not the easiest way to look at things but I did not picked this way. Yet I have to learn to live with it.
So the gift - I like it because it allows me to go deeper and feel people and show them as they really are. To see under their skin. But in the very same time it is a burden because I paint/draw what most people do not wish to see. They would not hide it in the first place would they? So in a way I am being punished for seeing the very image they want to remain unseen - call it the "true" image. Oh yes, the truth depends on point of view. But this is not about the truth itself.
Does this make me not a "good" person?... No I don't think so but some might say I am seeing things in black. I don't agree because the more I see sadness the more I can see little happy things which usually go unnoticed... Things need to be in balance afterall - but this second thing is barely recognised. It's the downside.
The upside, the prize - is being able to notice somebody who is really special and for me this stands out like a white dot on the red background - believe it or not I do not like black... Kind of unhappy colour almost unnatural. But charcoal is black and I love it! So sometimes black is cool! And for the rest of the time it is useful. But this is not about colours either.
So... seeing somebody special makes my heart melt... Which explains difficulty in speaking at the very same time my heart melts down - now that's not very useful isn't it? And this way of thinking often gets you tired... Especially bars or London bars... Big city bars to be precise. Not that I am the bar expert. Yes they get get you really tired. The rest and cure?: The fastest one: The couple in love! It's so delightful to see somebody who does not need to hide anything and only enjoy the pure dopamine driven flight. First class ticket. Always good. The true image on the outside. No thinking... No hiding. I love it!
Anyway... flowers. They don't try to hide anything. They are what they are. Isn't this pretty on itself?
I love some of Vincent's colourful flowers. His life was so tragic but he was still able see the beauty in the world and pass it through his works. The true lust for life. The other day I have been studying his works till 3 am. I simply just could not stop. The same night I had a dream. I was surrounded by these beautiful paintings.... It was like I've been part of them. I woke up tired but so happy. This feeling is still inside me. I've been ignorant for such a long time... I so much regret this now. And believe it or not my love for van Gogh has all started with dr Who episode. Crazy!
I feel so sorry I've missed his exhibition in London. So tomorrow or next week I'd like to see Picasso exhibition instead. Who knows perhaps my admiration for his work one day will grow even more.
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